Footsteps in the Frost

I have always enjoyed the feel of the sun on my face when there has been a heavy frost overnite, and this day begins just as it should with old friends greeting me. The frost will be gone in an hour or so, disappearing in a cloud of gas that has a dream like smokey haze. Water, what a wonderful molecule, useful in all its' forms; such as, solid, liquid, and gas. That occurs to me as the sun turns it into diamonds, glistning on the grassy fields around me, winking with amusement at me as I walk along. Water doesn't need me, it is constantly busy building and remodeling, and it knows I can't live without it.

I turn and look behind me at the trail and see the footsteps in the frosty grass, for a moment I think, someone must be following me, but they belong to me. Yet, still, am struck with the thought that someone does follow, and as I return to the forward trail this thought haunts me. I turn again and see the imprints of the treads of my boots slowly fading as the frost transforms from solid to liquid to gas and rises in a thin white cloud to meet the sun.

It is often true, that simpicity and clairity are really the same concept, and insight depends on the simple and clear. I feel I have always been followed and even, at times, been blocked and held prisoner by burdensome emotional events of childhood, that I am now all to familiar with. They, now, neither hold or obstruct my path, but follow in their place far behind where they belong. They will be there forever fading as the steps in morning frost. Just like the water doesn't need me I don't need them anymore. I am no longer the solid trapped in rigid boundries for I am free to run and rise.

Expectations

How many times before have I stood at these trail heads, looking out at the path that lies before me, with not a thought about what I expect from myself as I forage ahead. Certainly, there is some thought about the physical achievement, and the excitement of sensory stimulation that lies ahead, but I am also aware of new expectations. I begin this journey carrying a greater insight into my self, and a deep understanding of the history that has brought me to this place.

George Santayana once said, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it," and I am determined to no longer repeat my past. For I have touched that past and have made my peace with it. Santayana's quote in context is,"Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. In the first stage of life the mind is frivolous and easily distracted, it misses progress by failing in consecutiveness and persistence. This is the condition of children and barbarians, in which instinct has learned nothing from experience."

I have regained my past and the memories that had changed me in an absolute manner. I have been persistent and deliberate in examining the nuances of past experiences and setting new directions. As Santayana also says,"The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man who will not laugh is a fool." The child in me now cries and validates what was sad, and my maturity laughs with abandon while weeping in joy at a self that is reborn.

First Steps

I spent a lot of time preparing for those first steps along this new trail and I want to stress the importance of starting with a good foundation: in this case, good, well broken in boots. Over the next few days my feet will carry a lot more of burden than they are accustomed to and if my boots aren't right the trip will not go well.
I had spent a great deal of time making sure I had found the best foundation for my trek, and they now felt like old friends, waiting to guide my step in safety and comfort. Good boots are good therapy. I examined boots carefully to find just the right fit: neither too tight nor too loose, did my heel feel comfortable, was the sole strong and safe, and what might create those painful hot spots. Did they breathe properly and would my feet be dry and comfortable.
It was not a quick or impetuous selection, but one that finally eliminated all the lies your feet and eyes mislead you with; such as, those are the best looking, or these will stretch and fit better later on, these are so expensive they must be the best. Though there will be several pairs of boots that might do the job, only one true foundation is right to begin this trip.
Finding your foundation first is perhaps the most important part of the unburdening process that will take place along the trail. Releasing a breath and replacing it with cleaner, fresher air.

Trail Heads

My journey began on a pleasant day in late Winter, just when it appears the choke hold of ice storms and freezing temperatures have lost their grip. It starts in the morning with one of those invasive medical procedures that one has to have after reaching a certain age of maturity, but never looks forward to, oh sure, it is all very professional and impersonal for everyone except the patient. But the real trail head comes in the evening, when my wife of 25 years marches in and explodes in anger for two hours and tells me she is considering divorce. At that point everything begins unravel like a badly knitted sweater, life seems as disorganized as that lifeless mass of yarn. It will take another two weeks and a short hospitalization for depression, on my part before, she will finally announce her intentions. Until then she will make my coffee and kissed me goodbye to disguise her decision.
The next five months become a blur, a hypnotic wave of one crisis, anger, and chaos swirling into the next. A hospital stay, preparing the house for sale, therapy, finding somewhere to live, terms, finding a part-time job and all the crushing emotions that the demolishing of a relationship incurs become part of daily life.
I want to stand at this trail head and look around at the dappled sunlight passing through the pine trees and illuminating the rich, thin black soil. A Stellar Jay flits from branch to branch, seeing if there is any possibilities for a meal, but all around me there is silence. The trail is a rising one that will slowly bring me to a summit, rocky and well trodden. Backpacking is a journey of the mind and feet, top to bottom it includes the whole being, nothing is left out. It is also a journey that becomes lighter with the passing of the days. It is with these thoughts that embark from this trail head and hope you can join me along the way.